Updates & Follow Ups - June

So, I noticed that I talk about alot of things that I am doing, or want to do, or am going to do; but, rarely do I ever close that circle.  So, here are the updates from all my June postings. 

Kittens in the Dryer~ The kittens can not get into the house anymore through the dryer vent.  They are pretty much learning when and where they can and can't be.  And getting confused because heaven forbid we all do anything consistently.  NO FOOD ON THE FRONT STEPS PEOPLE!!  They eat like they are starved all the time.  Truth is that we all feed them every day, I am almost certain.  If they are begging at a door, someone is bound to go get some food and stick it outside.  I think they have figured this out.  It is interesting though, because they are not growing much.  They are still itty bitty kitties.  This also makes it is difficult to kick them when they do get underfoot.  But, they sure are cute little guys (well, 1 guy and 1 girl, whoops) and we sure do like them.  The whole 1 girl/ 1 boy thing...total accident, and now a pain in the arse!  Gotta get 'em fixed, we don't want to be running an incestual kitty mill operation.  They are now also easier to tell apart, John Kitty (renamed JoAnna Kitty) is very grey.  And Presley has turned more of a brown color.  But they are never far apart and both come running to "Here Kitty, Kitty, Kitty."  Presley Kitty has also taken quite a liking to the dead mice we are putting outside for "training".  This, my friends, is good news!!

Shopping Gone a'Ry~ well, really, how do you follow that up?  Kids grow up, and as much as we (as parents) don't like it, it's the sad reality.  In fact, they are growing up so fast that it's hard to believe there is a 10 year old and a 16 year old living in my house.  Seems like just yesterday, we moved to Iowa with a 7 &13 year old.  And in the 3 years we have been here, they have both blossomed into some pretty awesome young ladies.  I like them, a lot. 

To Do~ So, the party definately forced us to get some projects done around the house.  And maybe we need to have another event coming up.  Because, quite honestly, after the party was over...so was our motivation. But, here are a few update pics.

Clean Pool!!  YAY

 The fence is finished, the barn is coming along and the horses are home.  Mission Almost Complete.

FIRST TOMATO!!  WHOO HOO!!!!

Garden filled in really nice!  The fencing is to keep the dogs out, the privacy fence keeps out the other critters, but for some reason, the doggies sure love to lay, and walk thru, and run around in, and dig up my garden...silly boys!

had all kinds of garden goodies for the 4th!  LOVE IT!

New project, clean up the fountain, so it's pretty.  Yes there is a fountain in there, I'll prove it in about 4 weeks

and clean out all these weeds...again...

Doing the Dishes~ At this point, the dishes are a moot point.  No one helps with them, so they have no right to say anything about when or how I do them.  And that's that.  I've started running it whenever I dang well feel like it.  I do believe this will be an ongoing saga, everyone has something to say about it; but, until you do it, ZIP IT!

Dwayne~ Overwhelmed.  Always.  Too many irons in the fire.  That's how I roll...

Hide Cookies from the Fat Girl~  I never did get my rather large (and ever expanding) ass on that treadmill.  So, that would also lead you to believe that I didn't start the Insanity program again either.  Well, that assumption would be correct.  What I have done...swim more.  That's about it.  There are all the little things people do around the house, that really does count as exercise, because you better believe that I am entering THAT on myfitnesspal.com as exercise!!  Doing the dishes, standing and folding laundry, dusting, weeding the garden, push mowing the lawn, all that wonderful stuff that we do all the time.  That counts.  Maybe if I just do more of that...yeah, probably not.  Remember...motivation drain...

Standards~ Haven't lowered my standards, pretty much on anything.  I have come to the realization though that people don't know what you expect of them, unless you tell them.  Thank you to my Close and Personal Life Coach, Cheli Porter, for pointing out this oh so obvious but severly overlooked point! To test this theory, I went over some "new" expectations with Addie, and low and behold, she now does what I expect from her.  I guess sometimes all you have to do is open your mouth! 

Father's Day~ I will always hate this day, because my Father is gone.  We will always celebrate Deron being a Father to our children.  He is a wonderful Dad, and it really shows thru sometimes in the craziest moments.  He is loving, kind, crazy, stern when needed, understanding, absurd, concientious, ridiculous, generous, affectionate, curteous, dramatic, gentile, abnormal, gracious, and really priceless to our family.  We love him, and we will celebrate him.  And remember my Daddy too. 

TCRG - Zinnias~ Houston, we have a problem.  I think I killed them while trying to nurse them back to health.  You be the judge...

Obviously, I have not thinned the pots.  But I also quit watering them, I'm not sure why.  This is what happens when you don't water them for about a week, and then realize it.  And overwater them.  A few are proving to be quite tough, but the others...MEDIC!! 

Hormones & Emotions~ Well, this I believe will be an ongoing battle.  Deron and I actually talked about it in depth this weekend.  I want to go back on the meds, they really help with the symptoms.  I am able to function somewhat close to normally and not have complete spaz attacks repeatedly throughout the day.  But, they turn me into a zombie.  And they make me not crazy.  However, I don't want to go back on the meds, BECAUSE they turn me into a zombie.  But they make me not crazy.  They help so much, but at the same time, they don't.  I am in La La Land most of the time on them.  And have no focus or energy.
I know that many of you reading this are thinking, oh it's fine, everyone gets testy around that time.  I do NOT get testy.  I go crazy.  Literally crazy.  Like to the point, I am surprised that Deron has put up with me for 4 years acting like this, cause you best believe I would have left my sorry behind a long time ago!  And I can't control it.  I try really, really hard to control it, and I just can't.  I have been doing more research on my BFF Google and finding different "Natural" ways suggested to help subside the symptoms.  Nothing will make them go away, I can just forget about that.  PMDD is really a real disease.  And it is NOT PMS.  It is not even close to PMS.  It is like a freak show awaiting to emerge.  And when it comes out, watch yourself!  Cause no one is safe.  No one. 

TCRG - Charlie~ Still haven't gotten around to spraying the 2,4D.  I have however, come up with a plan of action.  A real timeline, so that I can get the outside (of the fence) taken care of, as well as the inside.  All this summer!  My yard will look rather un-welcoming and un-healthy this summer, but next year, it will be fantastic!  And there will be no more Charlie.

Well, that's all folks.  Updates for the June postings, thanks for hangin with me!

TCRG - I gotta RASH!!

One of the hazards of country living is foreign plants.  Some I have never seen, some I have never heard of, some I have seen before and know all about.  Sometimes it's a Crap-Shoot.

I wish I had known that Poison Ivy comes in umteen million varieties before I submerged my barren arms into a cest pool of Poison Leaves.  The "Rash From Hell" as I like to refer to it, was acquired on Friday, June 24, in the evening hours.  I remember driving to MN on Saturday morning wondering what those little dots were.  Hmmmm....maybe next time I wonder what a dot is on my body, I will not pick at it.  That is highly unlikely; however, I will give it my best shot...cause this my friends, SUCKS!!

So, Deron (after holding me while I cried on Saturday from the pain....and then throwing me clothed into the pool "because the chlorine will help", which BTW, it does.) being the loving and supporting pretend spouse that his is has been doing some research on my trusty friend Google, and there are all kinds of home remedies, and ways to alleviate the pain, and many suggestions for clearing up the rash. 

Here are few pictures fresh out of the shower this morning so you can see what I'm dealing with:

Some of these don't look that bad, and they are now actually starting to get better.  But, these are just pictures of my arms.  I have somehow managed to spread the plague to my legs, feet, stomach, and a little bit on my back.  It's cause I am so talented!  Also, this is fresh out of the shower.  Here is what they look like now.  4 hours later.

Yep, it freakin sucks!  And I know that anyone who has ever had the rash from hell would agree with me.
Some helpful hints he found online and we tried out:

• Ice Packs - this one actually works.  I found that icing them down every few hours makes the pain go down a little bit.  This helps, not a cure-all.  But alleviates the pain for about an hour at a time. 
• Hot Showers - also works, fantastically!!  As you can tell from the first set of pictures above, the hot showers definately reduce the swelling, itching, and pain.  Yesterday afternoon, I also took a hot bath with some Melaleuca Oil.  Divine!  I did some more research this morning and found out why. "Heat releases histamine, the substance in the cells of the skin which causes the intense itching.  Therefore, a hot shower or bath will cause intense itching as the histamine is released. This process will deplete the cells of histamine and the patient will often obtain up to 8 hrs of relief from the itching - poisonivy.com"  Guess what I am doing right before bed tonight!  It will be my first full nights sleep in  almost 2 weeks.  And yes, I am counting my chickens before they hatch, but anything has to be better than this!!  Here's to hopin'.
• Vinegar - just like with sunburns or bug bites, this will alleviate the itching, also a short term fix.
• Aloe Gel - Sunburn gel, yes, helps, but only super temporary, I think this only relieved the itching for maybe an hour.  It does go on and sooth though, this was definatly worth it at the time.
• Caladryl - Like a Calamine lotion with Benedryl built in - This works well to form a clear coating over the sores.  But that's about it.  No lasting results with itch relief. This is our "Go-To" for bug bites, I think it works fantastic for bites, not for poison.
• Deodorant - Also a "Go-To" for bug bites.  And was mentioned as a common treatment for Poison Ivy; however, in my case, no relief what-so-ever.  I thought it was because at first, I used the smelly good kind, no relief.  Then I used the regular, un-scented one that I use fresh out of the shower, and still no relief.  In fact the un-scented, hypo-allergenic one that I used second, caused massive itching and burning.  I will stick to deodorant on bug bites only.
• Ivy-Dry Super - Deron and I spent some time in the pharmacy looking over the selection offered.  We decided on this spray as it appeared to be specifically suited to fit my needs.  Again, short term solution.  It really works great for a while, but apparently with my sensitive skin already screaming threats at me, the uber-effective Ivy-Dry Super is not what I need.  The Super Dry, is really super painful. 
• Benadryl - A friend suggested this on Saturday, I started taking some that day.  It didn't really seem to do much, so I only took a couple of pills.  Then on our second trip to the Pharmacy (we had to go when it was open to actually talk to the Pharmacist), she also suggested Benadryl.  She says that all the topical solutions are great and to keep using what offers relief.  She also said that fighting the fight from the inside out, is the ticket.  So, I've been religous about taking the Benadryl on time.  She did warn of and I had previously experienced the side effect of "Drowsiness" from the Benadryl.  I took a couple naps this weekend.  It's ok.  Now, to make it thru the day at work!
• Prednisone - Was suggested by a Nurse friend and seems to be doing it's job.  From what I have read, this helps with the inflammation and itching.  So far, it's done both, only right after I take it, no lasting relief.  Hope that we don't run out before I am ready to give it up!
• Advil - anti-inflammitory, and pain relief - what a joke!  But I do know it's not the Advil, it's the Poison Ivy.  I will continue with my Advil regime, Advil fixes everything. 

The other disheartening thing that I have read, over and over again, is that this usally lasts 3- 4weeks.  So as of today, I have been infected for 11 Days.  3-4 weeks = 21-28 days.  11 days down, 17 to go.  Keep at it Champ, it can't get much worse! 

I have also learned how to identify Poison Ivy, because apparently I previously didn't know what it looked like. 

   

There is tons of this in my new yard.  And since it comes in so many varieties and looks so different, all the time, I will be spraying massive amounts of 2,4-D into the yard!!  And I also learned a new slogan, "Leaves of 3, Let 'em be."  New words to live by, because I CERTAINLY do NOT want to do this again!!!

on a Hoist, Dynamically

Caution...I'm gonna be gettin a little graphic!!  And I'm gonna talk about my hoo-ha, and how I pee myself.

So I had an appointment with the Urologist yesterday. I am going to be having a bladder sling installed at some point and this was the day I had to go for the Uro-Dynamic test.  I think that is what they called it.  It was Dynamic alright!!

Well, first let me say that my last appointment was in March.  So, when I get a phone call telling me I have to be there for this test before my appointment, I say OK no problem.  The part that they didn't remind me was that they would insert things where they shouldn't be, fill me with liquid, shock me with electricity, and hoist me so far up in the air that my muffin is eye level to a standing doctor. 

Let's for the sake of I can't remember her name, call my nurse Karen.  Who by the way is a very kind and gentle soul, she really was a wonderful nurse and did her very best to calm me.  So Karen tells me to slip off my bottoms and cover up with this sheet.  After she has taken me to a room that is bare of anything but 1 chair, a computer, the "procedure chair" that has the largest, most awkward looking stir-ups, and a portable commode with a funnel underneath resting in what looks like a beaker from chemistry class.  I do as I am told.  She tells me to 'go ahead and get comfortable'.  RIGHT! 
When I am settled comfortably in the chair, she helps me get my entire leg into the stir-ups.  Turns out these hold your thighs, not your heels like regular OB stir-ups.  I am happy about this because it is strangely more comfortable.  Then she raises the table.  And I'm stuck.  I am hoisted into the air like a vehicle getting an oil change, my nether regions are level with her shoulders, and I can't do anything about it.  The scary part is that all I can think is, "Deron would love this, I should have brought him along!". 

Karen starts telling me about all the things that are about to happen to me, including the part where there will be a numbing cream applied.  I start to relax a little bit.  Numbing cream is good, right, numbing cream numbs.  And then she started to tell me how the electro-somethin-somethin...somethin-somethin.  I lost her at electro.  At the end she tells me that the Doc would like to come in and do a pelvic exam first. 

Woooo Hoooo, something familiar!!  I have never been so excited to have a pelvic exam in my entire life!!  Bring it on Doc, let's do this!  I was so excited and all worked up for NOTHIN!!  That was the sorriest pelvic exam I have ever had.  Not even a pelvic exam, that was a "flex for me" moment.

Karen say we should get started.  She starts with the numbing gel.  Which is not a gel at all.  It is an injection.  Needles in my va-jay-jay are not welcome.  However, I couldn't see it coming from my birds nest, and by the time the shock wore off and I was able to move enough to take a swing at her, she was done and across the room.  She's smart.  And moves fast. 

Next she tells me she will insert a catheter.  Ok, well I know that this isn't going to be comfortable, but by now, I am almost completely numb and figure I won't feel it anyways, go ahead, stick things in me, get it over with.  So, I lay back on the table and start breathing deep to relax myself.  I'm numb right, this is going to be a breeze.......I AM NOT NUMB, STOP, I FEEL THAT!!!  Oh yes, she says, "you will feel some slight discomfort."  I am thinking Karen has never had this done! Slight discomfort my freaking butt!! Ahhh!!!

So, she gets the first cateter in.  Yes, I did say first.  Because low and behold, she needs to have 2 in for the test.  And no, the 2nd one doesn't go inside the first.  It goes right alongside it.  So, while I am still distracted and writhing in pain from the first, trying to gather my scruples, she attempts to sneakily insert Catheter #2.  This is where I started whimpering and crying like a wounded kitten.   

At this point I start to think it can't get much worse. I mean really, I am jacked up in the air, spread eagle on a table with tubes dangling from my biscuit.  I should have known better!  There is another catheter....and guess where this one goes?!?!  Oh Yeah, in the "Exit Only" hole. I start getting nervous again. She tells me to relax and I won't feel a thing.  Does she realize where she is going to be sticking that thing?!?!?!  While I am still not excited about it, and I am still not ok with it, I tell her to "go boldly where no man has gone before".  And again, I feel it.  And I cry.  And I don't like it.  I don't like it so much that she has to re-insert repeatedly because my body is subconciously pushing it out over and over again.  She finally taped it.  Yes, taped the freaking plastic tubing to my bunghole.  That was definatley an experience that was on my Bucket List, so happy that I can now cross THAT off!!

So now that I have been inserted with the necessary tubing, she politely explains that there are electro-somethin-somethins that she needs to hook up to these tubes.  Wait, WHAT?!  She is going to run electricity through these tubes?  Into my body?  I don't think this was what I signed up for.  Again, kind and gentle soul, puts her hand on my arm and assures me that I will not feel the electricity.  Karen, I like her again.  She shows me the sticky pads that are attached to the wires, we need to attach them to me.  Location...well, 2 go down on either side of my snapper and the other 2, well they go on either side of the tape.  Don't worry, they are small, it'll be ok, and I take her word for it.  She starts sticking these little paddy's to me, and then there is a giant one that goes on my knee.  It has to touch a bone, like a grounding rod.  Oh lord, freaking out again.  How much electricity is coming if I need a grounding rod?!?!?!!  She gets all the sticky pads applied.  And then uses about a half roll of tape securing all these wires and plastic tubing to my legs.  We don't want anything falling out or off now do we?

We move on and get started, oh yes, get started, so far, we have just been prepping!  So to start with, she opens the valve on the bag of sterile something liquid and it starts pumping into my bladder.  My first instructions are to let her know when I feel the liquid in my bladder.  All I can feel is pain and coldness.  I missed this question.  The second instruction is to let her know when I feel like I might have to go to the bathroom.  I also missed this question.  The last instruction is to let her know when I can't hold it any longer.  Oh joy, she's trying to make me explode. 

After a few minute she has me try to sit up and prop myself into a more seated position.  I can about imagine what that would have looked like to anyone else outside that room.  My monkey is level with her face remind you, it was like a bad date.  She's trying to pull me up by my hands from between my legs.  I have no abdominal muscles.  I look like a beached whale when trying to get off the couch.  And now, she wants me to sit up, while she is holding my hands?!  Well, there was some grunting and some yelling (with the pushing I was doing to get myself upright, the tape started to come loose on my rump roast.  She reminded me that if it came out, it has to go back in.  I opted to just lay back and try to rise up on my own.)  Again, I am thinking, "Deron would love this, I should have brought him along."

I finally get seated in an upright position, and we waited another turn of the century (or 5 minutes according to Karen), and then she tells me we are going to check for leaks.  I, being a girl, never thought I would have to "turn and cough" at the doctor.  Guess what I did yesterday :)  She says, give me a big cough.  I do.  Then I am asked to bear down like I am having a baby or a bowel movement.  What is with these people?  Do they want me to leak urine, or take a dump on their floor?  

Karen, bless her heart, tells me the next step is to stand. She lowered the hoist before assisting me out of the stir-ups and into a standing position.  Oh fantastic, in a standing postition, all of the pressure is on my bladder.  YAY, I just passed the test!  I leaked.  Test is over right?  Nope, not yet.  Another objective of this test is to see how much liquid my bladder can hold.  Well, by this point, it's full.  I am trying to cross my legs and hold it in.  This proves to be quite difficult with all the danglage down below.  I try telling Karen that it's time, I'm going to explode.  She squeezes the bag of fluid and says, "There's only a little bit more, let's see what we can get in yet."  I passed the test again. 

Last chore, sit on the portable commode and empty bladder into funnel.  She starts unhooking me from the machines so I can move to that corner.  And being the sweet woman she is, closes the little curtain to give me some privacy while I empty by bladder, really, what's the point?  Anyways, test is coming to a close and when I finally get emptied out, she removes all the sticky pad and tubes and apparatus that has been attached to me. And she was right, I didn't feel any of the electricity.  Huh.

Well, I guess I will compare this experience to child birth.  It is awful when it is happening; but afterwards, well shit, that comparison isn't going to work.  There is no way in hell that I am going to EVER do this again.  I will wear adult diapers at 30 years old first!  But on the bright side, I got a free wax job.  And the pain that she said I would have "the first few times you urinate", yeah, still here, FYI Karen, it's tomorrow, and it still hurts.

TCRG - The War on Charlie

This is what my yard looks like:

Have you ever seen so much Creeping Charlie??!!?!?!  There is a little grass mixed in, but this is what 90% of the yard looks like.  Not so much in the pasture or in any parts of the yard that we don't use; but all over in the parts that we do in fact use. 

So, here is the mission: To Destroy Charlie. 
(I am not making light of any other historical references to Destroying Charlie, I am just however borrowing the reference in a lighter hearted manner.  I am fighting a war of my own - disclaimer)

When we had the party a few weeks ago, my Grandparents and Ma were here.  And as we toured the garden, the sadness crept (get it?) over Grams face.  I watched it come in, and she said in her best concerned voice, "Oh Tina, look how much Creeping Charlie you have.  What a project you have ahead of you!"  And I do.  I listened very carefully as we discussed different options to rid the yard of this beast.  We finally decided that the best bet might just be to start over.  Kill the entire yard and start fresh. 

And so it has begun:

I started in the back corner, and am making my way out.  The only problem here is that in that back corner, there are some plants that I actually DO like.  So, I have to take them out and move them before I can spray out the entire area.
Day 1 - I stood in 1 spot and sprayed as far as the nozzle would go.  I sprayed until my hands got sore. 
Day 2 - I took 1 step back and sprayed as far as the nozzle would go, I sprayed until my hands got sore.
Day 3 - I took 1 more step back and sprayed as far as the nozzle would go, sprayed until my hands got sore. 
You get the picture....here is the progress....

So far, this was working out great.  But then I ran out of Round Up.  So, Deron brought home some 2, 4-D weed killer.  The problem with this stuff folks, is that it is super toxic...and we have pets, and a well.  Definitely I am concerned with the livelihood of our beloved 4 legged friends.  I am more concerned that this will seep into our groundwater and contaminate our well.  So, off to Google I go. 

While researching this 2,4-D stuff, I find out that it is not nearly as toxic as I believe it to be.  It was developed in the 1940's during WWII to help farmers increase crop yields for a nation at war.  It was the first successful herbicide and really worked well for "Cereal" crops (rice, wheat, corn) because it only kills the broad leaf plants and leaves behind the grasses.  (Unlike the Round Up I've been using which totally killed everything!)

So, my fears have been calmed.  We do still need to be aware and cautious for our pets, they can not be let into the treated area for at least 2 days.  But my ground water fear has been laid to rest.  Deron tried last night to tell me that the "well is 135 feet underground, we would have to saturate the entire area for it to get into our well."  And of course, Google confirmed this; however, I was under the impression that we would have to saturate the entire area, that is what I had been doing with the Round Up.  Turns out this stuff is much better!  I don't have to saturate.  Just get the leaves wet. 

I also learned that Creeping Charlie thrives in moist, shady areas.  Did you happen to get a good look at the pictures....definitely a moist, shady area!!  There will also be some major trimming going on!!  This will benefit my vegetable garden as well, there is entirely too much shade in that front area.  So, I'm excited to start begging Deron to do this for me.  I also learned that the best time to do this is in the fall when the plants are coming to an end and begin to go dormant and store nutrients.  They will actually store the herbicide rather than nutrients and almost never return when sprayed in the fall.  I'll do this again in the fall!

So, now I am super excited to get a jump start on this project!!  Starting inside the fenced garden to get the Charlie out.  Finishing up outside the garden to keep it from creeping back in.  I also found that this 2,4-D stuff will kill the Stinging Nettles we have all over outside the fence.  Praise Jesus!!

Anyways, today is my Gram's 76th birthday, and I am excited to get re-started on this whole Charlie situation tonight.  It'll be my present to you Gram, a Charlie Free yard.  Can't wait for you to see the end result.  Thank you for all the great ideas Gram, Grampa and Ma, we're gonna lick this thing, watch and see!

Why do I have to have hormones?! And emotions!?

So, if you are not a girl, you may as well stop reading this right now.  You will not understand.  And while girls sometimes appreciate your efforts to understand us; it will never happen.  And I am sure you have better "manly" things to be doing, like not talking about your emotions. 

The story starts like this: a few years ago, I am diagnosed with PMDD. Here is the description from Google:  "Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) is a condition in which a woman has severe depression symptoms, irritability, and tension before menstruation. The symptoms of PMDD are intensely more severe than those seen with premenstrual syndrome (PMS)."  This diagnosis takes many months and tons of tracking and all the other crap the docs make you do to make sure they give you the right answers.  So, we decide that it is PMDD and we will treat it accordingly.  Enter low-dose anti-depressant medication to be taken for only 2 weeks of the month.  Eventually we adjust the dosage and I am taking every day; doubling dosage for the key 2 weeks.  Crazy pills we call them, because let me just tell you....you know when I don't take them!!

As time goes on, the side effects of the medication are too much and I just can't take it anymore.  These side effects are interfering with my daily life.  So, against my doctors wishes (and probably everyone elses), I stop taking my "crazy pills".  This is the 2nd monthly event without my crazy pills. And I kinda (and by kinda, I mean Super Bad Really) want them back. 

Oh yeah, and on top of this lovely crazy disorder I have...I also have a whole bunch of giant cysts on my ovaries.  PCOS was the initial diagnosis, it has since been taken back with a "sorry about that"  and replaced with "you have a whole bunch of giant cysts on your ovaries, ultra sound kinda looks like bundles of grapes. Take these birth control pills, they will help control the size."  I don't need birth control, my partner is fixed.  I don't need extra hormones...hello...remember the part about the crazy.  What I would really like is something better for the pain that I experience each and every month when I ovulate!  But that is beside the point.  I have to deal with this pain on top of the whole PMDD thing.  Pain + Crazy Emotional Chick = Better run and hide!!

Let's run down the list of PMDD symptoms, just a few...
 - Physical symptoms, such as bloating, breast tenderness, headaches, and joint or muscle pain -  
*while these are incredibly uncomfortable, and vary in intensity from "month to month", they are always apparent.  This morning I could hardly get out of bed, my back hurt so bad.  And I am not sure why my knee has decided to not function correctly anymore, it'll be better in  5-7 days, be patient.  The others apply too, but we are sticking with the PG-rated version.  Let's just say that the air affects my chest in new ways I never thought possible.  I don't like breezes, and I don't like rain.  I also don't like light (any light, sunlight, the florescent lights at work, the lamp beside my bed, any light period), loud (or really any) noises, I don't like anything that makes my eyes shift quickly, and I also don't like anything that does not contain salt. 
- Persistent irritability or anger that affects other people -
*This is actually the main reason that I went in and talked to my doctor.  I am irritable.  And Angry.  Very.  Like to the point that you probably don't even want to be around me, at all, like go stay at a hotel.  Do not look at me, do not talk to me, do not make noise around me, pretty much don't do anything around me.  And even that is no guarantee!  I will probably find fault with you in your absence, or just plain resent you for not being there.  Seriously, no one wanted to be anywhere near me.  No one, not even my dog.  And dogs love unconditionally. 
-Mood swings marked by periods of teariness-
* And why I chose this topic today.  On the way to my eye doctor appointment earlier, there is a song on the radio, a new song I haven't heard before, and I start crying.  Not like the normal "awe, sniffle, sniffle."  No, like, I have to pull over on the side of the road because I am heaving and sobbing.  Tears are coming so fast and furious, I can't see anything.
Goes a little something like this:
"My baby's growin' up-Thinks she's falling all in love-And that I hate her-At seventeen, she's just like me when I was seventeen-So I don't blame her-Remember when we used to be-Everything they'd ever need-We had them believing we were cool-It's like it happened over night-We're always wrong, they're always right-We used to be the ones breakin' all the rules-Now we're just mothers, we're just fathers- Of teenage daughters-She rolls her eyes when I'm funny-But she's sweet when she wants money, and her freedom-Oh my God, she's got a car-Swears they won't go far-And I wish I believed 'em"
Teenage Daughters is this song, by Martina McBride.  And here I go again, just talking about it!  UGH!!! 
Ok, I think I am put back together ok for now, thank God no one ever uses the conference room across from my desk!!  There have been many other emotional triggers today that I just can't quite grasp...the burrito I had for breakfast had eggs and ketchup (and ham, cheese, spinach, tomatoes, mushrooms, onions, peppers and hashbrowns), my Dad used to put ketchup on his eggs.  Cry fest.  I walk to a meeting and my knee is not cooperating, this somehow translates into my mind as, "I just turned 30 and my body is starting to fall apart, I will be an old spinster in no time because no one will want to take care of me , even my family doesn't like me."  Cry fest.  I was offered a part of a prize from a co-worker, I chose the thermometer since ours is broken, for some reason, I am not exactly sure, the flippin thermometer set me off.  And I couldn't put it down, I carried it with me for 3 freaking hours!!  My thermometer security blanket.  There are more, but I'll zip it.

Not exactly sure if there is a point to all this, and in fact, I am starting to get my irritation on....I can hear people talking.  They are not talking about other people, they are not talking loud, they are not doing anything out of the ordinary, or wrong.  But I can hear them, and I don't want to, it bugs me.
So bottom line today, I am irritated, I am emotional, I am really super hungry for chocolate, peanut butter, and salt.  And I don't like it.  And it's an ongoing saga.  And I don't like it.  Stupid woman parts.

True Confessions of a Rookie Gardener

There is a lot of stuff in my blood, and gardening is one of them.  Since the beginning of the Kelly/Kastner Klans, there has been gardening.  Beautiful flower gardens with bright, lively flowers and lush, radiant greenery.  And produce gardens that are productive enough to sustain multiple families.  This is in my genes, and I indend to find it. 
On Mother's Day, Addie and I planted some Zinnia seeds she had gotten.  Mother's Day, so early May.  On the package it says that these seeds will flower in as little as 7 days.  Not so much.  And not only have they not fully flowered yet, they are getting wrecked by something. 


I tried some insect stuff from the plant shop, no workie.  Then I turned on google.  I love google.  It's like a portable encyclopedia, friggen genius!  Turns out this whole time, it's my own fault that these flowers are struggling to stay alive. 

Step 1:

Prepare a bed for zinnias that receives full sun, defined as six to eight hours of direct sunlight per day. Till the soil to a depth of eight inches and add well-composted manure or compost to increase aeration and improve drainage.

*OK, this is simple enough.  I get out a couple pots, and fill them with potting soil.  What I didn't know is that not all potting soils are created equally.  And I bought the crap kind, the kind that holds more water than a sponge...no aeration.

Step 2:

Seedlings emerge in three to five days depending on the temperature of the soil. Once seedlings have emerged and have developed the second set of leaves, thin to one plant per pot.
*It's not been warm since Mother's Day.  Well, I mean it has, but not consistently, in fact just a few weeks ago it was 40 degrees overnight.  So, strike 1, not warm.  Next, thin to one plant per pot.  Not sure if you noticed, there is way more than 1 per pot.  Strike 2.

Step 3:

Space plants 9 to 12 inches apart. Cover lightly with soil and keep evenly moist until seeds germinate.

*Fail

Step 4:

Water regularly until the plants are established. Monitor for signs of excessively dry soil or wilting of leaves.  Avoid getting moisture on the leaves which are prone to mildew. Harvest zinnias before the flower is completely open for an impressive cut flower that holds well in a vase.

*Fail. Again.  I watered them lovingly, often, as in tons of water droplets on leaves and puddles in the soil.  Wilting of leaves, well I don't necessarily think they look wilted, but they do look gross.  

They are starting to flower and will be significantly thinned next time I have some motivation, so we will have to monitor this progress.  I am starting to see a few pink blossoms perking out.  My first thought was when thinning, to transplant some to the front of the house, right into the ground.  Then I read that the roots are temperamental.  Let's try anyway.  Half of this finding my Inner Gardener will have to be trial and error, right?  I think the other half will probably come from Google. 

I hate Father's Day

For many reasons, this is one of my least favorite holidays. 

For #1 - it often falls on my birthday, and I have to share the thunder.  I do not like this.  I am an Attention Whore, and the spotlight should be on me. 

For #2 - For many years, Addie didn't have a dad.  It was absolutely heartbreaking for me that she was not going to have someone to teach her how to throw a baseball or how to change a flat tire.  I know how to do this stuff, because my Dad taught me.  And I could teach her, but it's not the same.  But now she does.  And she still can't change a tire.  Or really throw a baseball.  She can, however: ride a 4-wheeler, go underwater without plugging her nose, and sing the Green Bay Packers song.  I guess the tire changing will have to wait.  I think this might be misunderstood.  I hated when she didn't have a dad, it really broke my heart.  Now she has a Dad.  And a Dad who loves her at that.  This is good, and the reason can be rotated off my list in time.

For #3 - My Dad is in heaven.  How do you celebrate a day dedicated to someone if they are not there to share it with you?  I hate that.
For some reason, I have been having a really hard time with fathers day this year.  It's come same as it has the last 3 years since Dad's been gone and this one just seems extra awful.  So, I've been trying to focus on all of the good memories I have. 
I remember one time when Alicia and I were little girls and he still lived in the Queen Anne.  She had gotten a pitching machine and we were all outside testing it out.  You stepped on this little pedal and the ball shot out at you.  By shot out, I mean launched gently. At the time, it seemed like it was faster than a rocket.  We both missed repeatedly.  This was the day we learned the "International Sign for Quit Playing Like a Girl".  I used it at a Cubs game a couple years ago.  Thanks Dad!
I remember our games we used to play in the car all the time.  Dad would come pick us girls up every other weekend and we would drive the hour and a half back to his house.  And then bring us home again on Sunday.  That is a couple really long drives with 2 little girls fighting over who is touching whose penis in the back seat.  I learned more about sports trivia, state capitals, music history, and estimating time from those car rides than I think any book or teacher could have ever taught me.  Thanks Dad!
I remember that every year for my birthday, Dad would take us to Valleyfair.  I remember one year, I think I was turning 7 or 8.  I really, really wanted a bike.  I got to go to Valleyfair.  I remember being so upset at the time, but now, I wouldn't want it any other way.  The memories that we made when we were little girls are priceless.  Conquering our fears, going on rides til we puked, and going back home, burnt to a crisp and completely exhausted, but together...every single year.  I did end up getting that bike for Christmas, and had to wait 6 months to ride it, but wouldn't have it any other way, now. Thanks Dad!
I remember when I turned 16 and Dad bought me a car.  I was so disappointed.  We had talked about,and in my mind he had promised me, a Honda Prelude.  In 1997, these were really cool cars.  I also wanted an Acura Integra, but we had settled on a Honda Prelude, or so I thought.  So...imagine my surprise when, unveiled to me, was a 1985 Oldsmobile Cutlass Sierra, Brougham Edition.  Oh, yes, my first car was a luxury sedan.  One that I thought was meant for old people.  I remember that I was not shy about my disappointment.  And I remember that I felt really bad for that later, as I should have.  Eventually, I did grow quite attached to that car.  We named her "Kitty", cause she purred.  And I drove it into the ground.  I locked the keys in it so many times I had a tab at All American Towing. I liked to prove to my friends how indestructible she was. Many conversations in my car started out with, "Hey, watch this."  I turned that thing into a money pit.  I am necessarily sure that it was my fault it kept falling apart; however, I am sure that my lack of driving skills and lack of proper car maintenance skills were a huge part of it.  But Dad took care of it, and I had a car that worked, and I never appreciated it.  I drove that car until 2001.  When Adeline was born, and I was in the hospital.  Someone broke in to my car stole my stereo (which he also bought me and I never was grateful enough for).  We decided it was time.  We had already replaced more on the car than was original.  I sold it for $300 and 2 weeks later the guy called and wanted his money back as the car had blown up.  Literally, blown up.  It started on fire.  I said sorry.  And since then, I did not have a car that was "worth it", until I bought my very own brand new car in 2005.  And I still have that brand new car.  I learned to take care of it, that's why I still have it.  When Kitty died, I had shit cars, because dad quit taking care of them.  Hmmmm....interesting, take care of your shit and it will last.  I also learned that I took a lot of things for granted, and I expected things to be handed to me.  Where the hell was my work ethic?  That came later, when he told me, "If you don't work, you don't get paid."  Simple right.  Yeah, it was.  And it finally makes sense.  Thanks Dad!
I also remember when I got pregnant with Adeline.  Dad was not really happy that I had chosen to not go to college right after I graduated High School.  I didn't see the big deal, I wanted to take a couple years off to just work (and smoke pot all day, because clearly, this was the right choice to make).  It was going really well, this arrangement I had, until April 2000.  I had just started a new job (the I think 4th job since graduating, the whole working thing wasn't going so well), and low and behold, I went and got myself knocked up.  I had taken Addie's sperm donor to meet him previously, and when I asked what he thought about him, Dad said, "You're the one that has to live with him."  Well turns out, that I didn't have to live with him.  But, having a baby at 19, alone, definitely makes a person grow up.  Dad was disappointed, I know he was.  He never said he was, but you could tell when I told him.  In 2008, when we were spending Tuesdays together, this was a topic that we revisited.  He told me how proud he was of me, how he had seen me grow into a mother, and become a good role model for my daughter.  I still take that to heart, all the time.  I'm a good role model.  Thanks Dad!
I remember when Dad got sick.  I remember it like it was yesterday.  I got off work and had a message on my cell phone that he was in town and wanted to see us girls.  So I called him and we agreed to meet at Alicia's house.  He took us girls out on the deck and our kids stayed in the house with the friend that was over.  He said, "I have ALS.  You might have heard of it as Lou Gehrig's Disease." And I instantly started crying. Not necessarily because I knew what that meant.  I had heard of the disease, but only knew that it was bad.  I didn't know what it was, at all.  But I knew that it had to be bad. For him to come to town on a Tuesday night, to tell us he had a disease, it had to be a bad disease. He went home, and I went home, and we all moved on.  So the next day at work, I googled it.  Worst Idea I Ever Had!!  How is a person supposed to react when they are reading that one of your idols will slowly melt away to nothing, eventually becoming a prisoner of his own body, and die.  Well, I cried.  A lot.  And I do believe I went home that day.  I remember telling Alicia what I had found out, and we cried together. 
Watching what ALS did to my Dad taught me so much.  About life, about being a parent, about courage, and about acceptance.  Not 1 time did I ever hear my dad say, poor me. or why me.  Never heard that. I came across a quote from Winston Churchill the other day, "Courage is infectious.  Truly remarkable courage is remarkably infectious."  It is so true.  He had an incredible amount of courage to face ALS the way he did.  The suicide rate among ALS patients, is scarily high.  And I can see why.  I would not want to live that way.  But he stuck it out.  Not for himself.  But for those around him.  He was concerned about the people around him, and how they felt.  Not that he couldn't walk anymore, or that he couldn't talk anymore.  He couldn't eat, he couldn't golf, he couldn't fish.  None of the things he like to do, were things that he could do anymore.  This is the part where his ability to take things in stride really came in handy.  He wanted the pain for the rest of us to fade.  He didn't dwell on the "can't".  He stuck around for us.  We needed him to stick around, we had more lessons to learn.
Something he wrote was, "Learn to appreciate everything around you.  There are so many beautiful things around you, especially the people in your life."  On the day he passed, his friend Dave came to the house.  He was obviously upset that Dad had passed, as we all were.  He came in, looked at Dad, and stormed outside, slamming the door behind him.  I cautiously followed him outside, not really sure what to expect, and he was so angry that Dad was gone.  He yelled, "Larry was the only one who ever really believed in me, and told me."  And it's true.  He did believe in him.  He has this crazy ability to see people for who they really were and what their true potential is.  Everyone in Dad's life, was blessed to have him in their life.  HE was one of the beautiful things around you.  Thanks Dad!
Something else I learned was how to love someone.  And how to let them love me back.  I didn't know what a healthy relationship looked like; therefore, I never really knew how to have one.  And that was not something that I ever really thought important.  That is until I started paying attention to him and Deb.  And I realized how wonderful and fun and exciting and encouraging love can be.  This was when I really started to pay attention to my own life.  Don't get me wrong, it has to be a special person, someone that you do want to spend time with, it won't work otherwise.  But, I have learned how to love Deron for who he is, even though he is not perfect, and he will never be.  He is perfect for me.  And I've learned to let Deron love me.  And take away the barriers that had been used to push others away, and to just open up and let it happen.  No one is perfect, in any way, and I have started to realize that me and Mary Poppins don't have as much in common as I had originally thought.  But, letting that guard down and realizing that a partnership is indeed a PARTNERSHIP, has really opened my eyes to what a forever relationship means.  Thanks Dad (& Ma)!
Dad also taught me to not hold myself back, or let others make my decisions for me.  "Don't let me hold you back." he said when we were thinking about moving out of MN.  I wanted to stay, to be closer.  He said no.  I had all kinds of reasons to stay.  And none of them were about me.  Or making my life better.  Or finding success or happiness.  They were about staying behind and taking care of others.  And this was what others wanted me to do.  I remember when I talked to him about it, he shook his head profusely at me, and repeatedly said, no, no, no.  At this point, he wasn't able to really move much or talk really at all.  But I will remember that always.  Sitting outside, by the garage, Grape Cigar in mouth, shaking his head and grunting NO at me.  When we went back inside, he typed on his talky box to not be afraid, and never let anything or anyone hold you back.  Moving away from Mankato has proved to be one of the best decisions I have ever, ever made.  I will never go back.  Thank you Dad for giving me that kick in the ass to move on and move up.

I sure do miss my Daddy, and I know that I always will, but for 27 years, I had a wonderful mentor.  And those life lessons, I am carrying with me today.  I just wish I had listened a little better.

Let me close by quoting him, "Everyone has their own perspective and the world is as you see it, and more importantly how you CHOOSE to see it.   There are really only 2 ways to go thru life, happy and unhappy.  You would be amazed how much of this YOU can actually control.  I know there are many things that you can't control or change, but there are far more things that you CAN.  My point being that you alone control most of the world you live in."  Words to live by folks "You alone control most of the world you live in."