So, if you are not a girl, you may as well stop reading this right now. You will not understand. And while girls sometimes appreciate your efforts to understand us; it will never happen. And I am sure you have better "manly" things to be doing, like not talking about your emotions.
The story starts like this: a few years ago, I am diagnosed with PMDD. Here is the description from Google: "Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) is a condition in which a woman has severe depression symptoms, irritability, and tension before menstruation. The symptoms of PMDD are intensely more severe than those seen with premenstrual syndrome (PMS)." This diagnosis takes many months and tons of tracking and all the other crap the docs make you do to make sure they give you the right answers. So, we decide that it is PMDD and we will treat it accordingly. Enter low-dose anti-depressant medication to be taken for only 2 weeks of the month. Eventually we adjust the dosage and I am taking every day; doubling dosage for the key 2 weeks. Crazy pills we call them, because let me just tell you....you know when I don't take them!!
As time goes on, the side effects of the medication are too much and I just can't take it anymore. These side effects are interfering with my daily life. So, against my doctors wishes (and probably everyone elses), I stop taking my "crazy pills". This is the 2nd monthly event without my crazy pills. And I kinda (and by kinda, I mean Super Bad Really) want them back.
Oh yeah, and on top of this lovely crazy disorder I have...I also have a whole bunch of giant cysts on my ovaries. PCOS was the initial diagnosis, it has since been taken back with a "sorry about that" and replaced with "you have a whole bunch of giant cysts on your ovaries, ultra sound kinda looks like bundles of grapes. Take these birth control pills, they will help control the size." I don't need birth control, my partner is fixed. I don't need extra hormones...hello...remember the part about the crazy. What I would really like is something better for the pain that I experience each and every month when I ovulate! But that is beside the point. I have to deal with this pain on top of the whole PMDD thing. Pain + Crazy Emotional Chick = Better run and hide!!
Let's run down the list of PMDD symptoms, just a few...
- Physical symptoms, such as bloating, breast tenderness, headaches, and joint or muscle pain -
*while these are incredibly uncomfortable, and vary in intensity from "month to month", they are always apparent. This morning I could hardly get out of bed, my back hurt so bad. And I am not sure why my knee has decided to not function correctly anymore, it'll be better in 5-7 days, be patient. The others apply too, but we are sticking with the PG-rated version. Let's just say that the air affects my chest in new ways I never thought possible. I don't like breezes, and I don't like rain. I also don't like light (any light, sunlight, the florescent lights at work, the lamp beside my bed, any light period), loud (or really any) noises, I don't like anything that makes my eyes shift quickly, and I also don't like anything that does not contain salt.
- Persistent irritability or anger that affects other people -
*This is actually the main reason that I went in and talked to my doctor. I am irritable. And Angry. Very. Like to the point that you probably don't even want to be around me, at all, like go stay at a hotel. Do not look at me, do not talk to me, do not make noise around me, pretty much don't do anything around me. And even that is no guarantee! I will probably find fault with you in your absence, or just plain resent you for not being there. Seriously, no one wanted to be anywhere near me. No one, not even my dog. And dogs love unconditionally.
-Mood swings marked by periods of teariness-
* And why I chose this topic today. On the way to my eye doctor appointment earlier, there is a song on the radio, a new song I haven't heard before, and I start crying. Not like the normal "awe, sniffle, sniffle." No, like, I have to pull over on the side of the road because I am heaving and sobbing. Tears are coming so fast and furious, I can't see anything.
Goes a little something like this:
"My baby's growin' up-Thinks she's falling all in love-And that I hate her-At seventeen, she's just like me when I was seventeen-So I don't blame her-Remember when we used to be-Everything they'd ever need-We had them believing we were cool-It's like it happened over night-We're always wrong, they're always right-We used to be the ones breakin' all the rules-Now we're just mothers, we're just fathers- Of teenage daughters-She rolls her eyes when I'm funny-But she's sweet when she wants money, and her freedom-Oh my God, she's got a car-Swears they won't go far-And I wish I believed 'em"
Teenage Daughters is this song, by Martina McBride. And here I go again, just talking about it! UGH!!!
Ok, I think I am put back together ok for now, thank God no one ever uses the conference room across from my desk!! There have been many other emotional triggers today that I just can't quite grasp...the burrito I had for breakfast had eggs and ketchup (and ham, cheese, spinach, tomatoes, mushrooms, onions, peppers and hashbrowns), my Dad used to put ketchup on his eggs. Cry fest. I walk to a meeting and my knee is not cooperating, this somehow translates into my mind as, "I just turned 30 and my body is starting to fall apart, I will be an old spinster in no time because no one will want to take care of me , even my family doesn't like me." Cry fest. I was offered a part of a prize from a co-worker, I chose the thermometer since ours is broken, for some reason, I am not exactly sure, the flippin thermometer set me off. And I couldn't put it down, I carried it with me for 3 freaking hours!! My thermometer security blanket. There are more, but I'll zip it.
Not exactly sure if there is a point to all this, and in fact, I am starting to get my irritation on....I can hear people talking. They are not talking about other people, they are not talking loud, they are not doing anything out of the ordinary, or wrong. But I can hear them, and I don't want to, it bugs me.
So bottom line today, I am irritated, I am emotional, I am really super hungry for chocolate, peanut butter, and salt. And I don't like it. And it's an ongoing saga. And I don't like it. Stupid woman parts.
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