I hate Father's Day

For many reasons, this is one of my least favorite holidays. 

For #1 - it often falls on my birthday, and I have to share the thunder.  I do not like this.  I am an Attention Whore, and the spotlight should be on me. 

For #2 - For many years, Addie didn't have a dad.  It was absolutely heartbreaking for me that she was not going to have someone to teach her how to throw a baseball or how to change a flat tire.  I know how to do this stuff, because my Dad taught me.  And I could teach her, but it's not the same.  But now she does.  And she still can't change a tire.  Or really throw a baseball.  She can, however: ride a 4-wheeler, go underwater without plugging her nose, and sing the Green Bay Packers song.  I guess the tire changing will have to wait.  I think this might be misunderstood.  I hated when she didn't have a dad, it really broke my heart.  Now she has a Dad.  And a Dad who loves her at that.  This is good, and the reason can be rotated off my list in time.

For #3 - My Dad is in heaven.  How do you celebrate a day dedicated to someone if they are not there to share it with you?  I hate that.
For some reason, I have been having a really hard time with fathers day this year.  It's come same as it has the last 3 years since Dad's been gone and this one just seems extra awful.  So, I've been trying to focus on all of the good memories I have. 
I remember one time when Alicia and I were little girls and he still lived in the Queen Anne.  She had gotten a pitching machine and we were all outside testing it out.  You stepped on this little pedal and the ball shot out at you.  By shot out, I mean launched gently. At the time, it seemed like it was faster than a rocket.  We both missed repeatedly.  This was the day we learned the "International Sign for Quit Playing Like a Girl".  I used it at a Cubs game a couple years ago.  Thanks Dad!
I remember our games we used to play in the car all the time.  Dad would come pick us girls up every other weekend and we would drive the hour and a half back to his house.  And then bring us home again on Sunday.  That is a couple really long drives with 2 little girls fighting over who is touching whose penis in the back seat.  I learned more about sports trivia, state capitals, music history, and estimating time from those car rides than I think any book or teacher could have ever taught me.  Thanks Dad!
I remember that every year for my birthday, Dad would take us to Valleyfair.  I remember one year, I think I was turning 7 or 8.  I really, really wanted a bike.  I got to go to Valleyfair.  I remember being so upset at the time, but now, I wouldn't want it any other way.  The memories that we made when we were little girls are priceless.  Conquering our fears, going on rides til we puked, and going back home, burnt to a crisp and completely exhausted, but together...every single year.  I did end up getting that bike for Christmas, and had to wait 6 months to ride it, but wouldn't have it any other way, now. Thanks Dad!
I remember when I turned 16 and Dad bought me a car.  I was so disappointed.  We had talked about,and in my mind he had promised me, a Honda Prelude.  In 1997, these were really cool cars.  I also wanted an Acura Integra, but we had settled on a Honda Prelude, or so I thought.  So...imagine my surprise when, unveiled to me, was a 1985 Oldsmobile Cutlass Sierra, Brougham Edition.  Oh, yes, my first car was a luxury sedan.  One that I thought was meant for old people.  I remember that I was not shy about my disappointment.  And I remember that I felt really bad for that later, as I should have.  Eventually, I did grow quite attached to that car.  We named her "Kitty", cause she purred.  And I drove it into the ground.  I locked the keys in it so many times I had a tab at All American Towing. I liked to prove to my friends how indestructible she was. Many conversations in my car started out with, "Hey, watch this."  I turned that thing into a money pit.  I am necessarily sure that it was my fault it kept falling apart; however, I am sure that my lack of driving skills and lack of proper car maintenance skills were a huge part of it.  But Dad took care of it, and I had a car that worked, and I never appreciated it.  I drove that car until 2001.  When Adeline was born, and I was in the hospital.  Someone broke in to my car stole my stereo (which he also bought me and I never was grateful enough for).  We decided it was time.  We had already replaced more on the car than was original.  I sold it for $300 and 2 weeks later the guy called and wanted his money back as the car had blown up.  Literally, blown up.  It started on fire.  I said sorry.  And since then, I did not have a car that was "worth it", until I bought my very own brand new car in 2005.  And I still have that brand new car.  I learned to take care of it, that's why I still have it.  When Kitty died, I had shit cars, because dad quit taking care of them.  Hmmmm....interesting, take care of your shit and it will last.  I also learned that I took a lot of things for granted, and I expected things to be handed to me.  Where the hell was my work ethic?  That came later, when he told me, "If you don't work, you don't get paid."  Simple right.  Yeah, it was.  And it finally makes sense.  Thanks Dad!
I also remember when I got pregnant with Adeline.  Dad was not really happy that I had chosen to not go to college right after I graduated High School.  I didn't see the big deal, I wanted to take a couple years off to just work (and smoke pot all day, because clearly, this was the right choice to make).  It was going really well, this arrangement I had, until April 2000.  I had just started a new job (the I think 4th job since graduating, the whole working thing wasn't going so well), and low and behold, I went and got myself knocked up.  I had taken Addie's sperm donor to meet him previously, and when I asked what he thought about him, Dad said, "You're the one that has to live with him."  Well turns out, that I didn't have to live with him.  But, having a baby at 19, alone, definitely makes a person grow up.  Dad was disappointed, I know he was.  He never said he was, but you could tell when I told him.  In 2008, when we were spending Tuesdays together, this was a topic that we revisited.  He told me how proud he was of me, how he had seen me grow into a mother, and become a good role model for my daughter.  I still take that to heart, all the time.  I'm a good role model.  Thanks Dad!
I remember when Dad got sick.  I remember it like it was yesterday.  I got off work and had a message on my cell phone that he was in town and wanted to see us girls.  So I called him and we agreed to meet at Alicia's house.  He took us girls out on the deck and our kids stayed in the house with the friend that was over.  He said, "I have ALS.  You might have heard of it as Lou Gehrig's Disease." And I instantly started crying. Not necessarily because I knew what that meant.  I had heard of the disease, but only knew that it was bad.  I didn't know what it was, at all.  But I knew that it had to be bad. For him to come to town on a Tuesday night, to tell us he had a disease, it had to be a bad disease. He went home, and I went home, and we all moved on.  So the next day at work, I googled it.  Worst Idea I Ever Had!!  How is a person supposed to react when they are reading that one of your idols will slowly melt away to nothing, eventually becoming a prisoner of his own body, and die.  Well, I cried.  A lot.  And I do believe I went home that day.  I remember telling Alicia what I had found out, and we cried together. 
Watching what ALS did to my Dad taught me so much.  About life, about being a parent, about courage, and about acceptance.  Not 1 time did I ever hear my dad say, poor me. or why me.  Never heard that. I came across a quote from Winston Churchill the other day, "Courage is infectious.  Truly remarkable courage is remarkably infectious."  It is so true.  He had an incredible amount of courage to face ALS the way he did.  The suicide rate among ALS patients, is scarily high.  And I can see why.  I would not want to live that way.  But he stuck it out.  Not for himself.  But for those around him.  He was concerned about the people around him, and how they felt.  Not that he couldn't walk anymore, or that he couldn't talk anymore.  He couldn't eat, he couldn't golf, he couldn't fish.  None of the things he like to do, were things that he could do anymore.  This is the part where his ability to take things in stride really came in handy.  He wanted the pain for the rest of us to fade.  He didn't dwell on the "can't".  He stuck around for us.  We needed him to stick around, we had more lessons to learn.
Something he wrote was, "Learn to appreciate everything around you.  There are so many beautiful things around you, especially the people in your life."  On the day he passed, his friend Dave came to the house.  He was obviously upset that Dad had passed, as we all were.  He came in, looked at Dad, and stormed outside, slamming the door behind him.  I cautiously followed him outside, not really sure what to expect, and he was so angry that Dad was gone.  He yelled, "Larry was the only one who ever really believed in me, and told me."  And it's true.  He did believe in him.  He has this crazy ability to see people for who they really were and what their true potential is.  Everyone in Dad's life, was blessed to have him in their life.  HE was one of the beautiful things around you.  Thanks Dad!
Something else I learned was how to love someone.  And how to let them love me back.  I didn't know what a healthy relationship looked like; therefore, I never really knew how to have one.  And that was not something that I ever really thought important.  That is until I started paying attention to him and Deb.  And I realized how wonderful and fun and exciting and encouraging love can be.  This was when I really started to pay attention to my own life.  Don't get me wrong, it has to be a special person, someone that you do want to spend time with, it won't work otherwise.  But, I have learned how to love Deron for who he is, even though he is not perfect, and he will never be.  He is perfect for me.  And I've learned to let Deron love me.  And take away the barriers that had been used to push others away, and to just open up and let it happen.  No one is perfect, in any way, and I have started to realize that me and Mary Poppins don't have as much in common as I had originally thought.  But, letting that guard down and realizing that a partnership is indeed a PARTNERSHIP, has really opened my eyes to what a forever relationship means.  Thanks Dad (& Ma)!
Dad also taught me to not hold myself back, or let others make my decisions for me.  "Don't let me hold you back." he said when we were thinking about moving out of MN.  I wanted to stay, to be closer.  He said no.  I had all kinds of reasons to stay.  And none of them were about me.  Or making my life better.  Or finding success or happiness.  They were about staying behind and taking care of others.  And this was what others wanted me to do.  I remember when I talked to him about it, he shook his head profusely at me, and repeatedly said, no, no, no.  At this point, he wasn't able to really move much or talk really at all.  But I will remember that always.  Sitting outside, by the garage, Grape Cigar in mouth, shaking his head and grunting NO at me.  When we went back inside, he typed on his talky box to not be afraid, and never let anything or anyone hold you back.  Moving away from Mankato has proved to be one of the best decisions I have ever, ever made.  I will never go back.  Thank you Dad for giving me that kick in the ass to move on and move up.

I sure do miss my Daddy, and I know that I always will, but for 27 years, I had a wonderful mentor.  And those life lessons, I am carrying with me today.  I just wish I had listened a little better.

Let me close by quoting him, "Everyone has their own perspective and the world is as you see it, and more importantly how you CHOOSE to see it.   There are really only 2 ways to go thru life, happy and unhappy.  You would be amazed how much of this YOU can actually control.  I know there are many things that you can't control or change, but there are far more things that you CAN.  My point being that you alone control most of the world you live in."  Words to live by folks "You alone control most of the world you live in."