Caution...I'm gonna be gettin a little graphic!! And I'm gonna talk about my hoo-ha, and how I pee myself.
So I had an appointment with the Urologist yesterday. I am going to be having a bladder sling installed at some point and this was the day I had to go for the Uro-Dynamic test. I think that is what they called it. It was Dynamic alright!!
Well, first let me say that my last appointment was in March. So, when I get a phone call telling me I have to be there for this test before my appointment, I say OK no problem. The part that they didn't remind me was that they would insert things where they shouldn't be, fill me with liquid, shock me with electricity, and hoist me so far up in the air that my muffin is eye level to a standing doctor.
Let's for the sake of I can't remember her name, call my nurse Karen. Who by the way is a very kind and gentle soul, she really was a wonderful nurse and did her very best to calm me. So Karen tells me to slip off my bottoms and cover up with this sheet. After she has taken me to a room that is bare of anything but 1 chair, a computer, the "procedure chair" that has the largest, most awkward looking stir-ups, and a portable commode with a funnel underneath resting in what looks like a beaker from chemistry class. I do as I am told. She tells me to 'go ahead and get comfortable'. RIGHT!
When I am settled comfortably in the chair, she helps me get my entire leg into the stir-ups. Turns out these hold your thighs, not your heels like regular OB stir-ups. I am happy about this because it is strangely more comfortable. Then she raises the table. And I'm stuck. I am hoisted into the air like a vehicle getting an oil change, my nether regions are level with her shoulders, and I can't do anything about it. The scary part is that all I can think is, "Deron would love this, I should have brought him along!".
Karen starts telling me about all the things that are about to happen to me, including the part where there will be a numbing cream applied. I start to relax a little bit. Numbing cream is good, right, numbing cream numbs. And then she started to tell me how the electro-somethin-somethin...somethin-somethin. I lost her at electro. At the end she tells me that the Doc would like to come in and do a pelvic exam first.
Woooo Hoooo, something familiar!! I have never been so excited to have a pelvic exam in my entire life!! Bring it on Doc, let's do this! I was so excited and all worked up for NOTHIN!! That was the sorriest pelvic exam I have ever had. Not even a pelvic exam, that was a "flex for me" moment.
Karen say we should get started. She starts with the numbing gel. Which is not a gel at all. It is an injection. Needles in my va-jay-jay are not welcome. However, I couldn't see it coming from my birds nest, and by the time the shock wore off and I was able to move enough to take a swing at her, she was done and across the room. She's smart. And moves fast.
Next she tells me she will insert a catheter. Ok, well I know that this isn't going to be comfortable, but by now, I am almost completely numb and figure I won't feel it anyways, go ahead, stick things in me, get it over with. So, I lay back on the table and start breathing deep to relax myself. I'm numb right, this is going to be a breeze.......I AM NOT NUMB, STOP, I FEEL THAT!!! Oh yes, she says, "you will feel some slight discomfort." I am thinking Karen has never had this done! Slight discomfort my freaking butt!! Ahhh!!!
So, she gets the first cateter in. Yes, I did say first. Because low and behold, she needs to have 2 in for the test. And no, the 2nd one doesn't go inside the first. It goes right alongside it. So, while I am still distracted and writhing in pain from the first, trying to gather my scruples, she attempts to sneakily insert Catheter #2. This is where I started whimpering and crying like a wounded kitten.
At this point I start to think it can't get much worse. I mean really, I am jacked up in the air, spread eagle on a table with tubes dangling from my biscuit. I should have known better! There is another catheter....and guess where this one goes?!?! Oh Yeah, in the "Exit Only" hole. I start getting nervous again. She tells me to relax and I won't feel a thing. Does she realize where she is going to be sticking that thing?!?!?! While I am still not excited about it, and I am still not ok with it, I tell her to "go boldly where no man has gone before". And again, I feel it. And I cry. And I don't like it. I don't like it so much that she has to re-insert repeatedly because my body is subconciously pushing it out over and over again. She finally taped it. Yes, taped the freaking plastic tubing to my bunghole. That was definatley an experience that was on my Bucket List, so happy that I can now cross THAT off!!
So now that I have been inserted with the necessary tubing, she politely explains that there are electro-somethin-somethins that she needs to hook up to these tubes. Wait, WHAT?! She is going to run electricity through these tubes? Into my body? I don't think this was what I signed up for. Again, kind and gentle soul, puts her hand on my arm and assures me that I will not feel the electricity. Karen, I like her again. She shows me the sticky pads that are attached to the wires, we need to attach them to me. Location...well, 2 go down on either side of my snapper and the other 2, well they go on either side of the tape. Don't worry, they are small, it'll be ok, and I take her word for it. She starts sticking these little paddy's to me, and then there is a giant one that goes on my knee. It has to touch a bone, like a grounding rod. Oh lord, freaking out again. How much electricity is coming if I need a grounding rod?!?!?!! She gets all the sticky pads applied. And then uses about a half roll of tape securing all these wires and plastic tubing to my legs. We don't want anything falling out or off now do we?
We move on and get started, oh yes, get started, so far, we have just been prepping! So to start with, she opens the valve on the bag of sterile something liquid and it starts pumping into my bladder. My first instructions are to let her know when I feel the liquid in my bladder. All I can feel is pain and coldness. I missed this question. The second instruction is to let her know when I feel like I might have to go to the bathroom. I also missed this question. The last instruction is to let her know when I can't hold it any longer. Oh joy, she's trying to make me explode.
After a few minute she has me try to sit up and prop myself into a more seated position. I can about imagine what that would have looked like to anyone else outside that room. My monkey is level with her face remind you, it was like a bad date. She's trying to pull me up by my hands from between my legs. I have no abdominal muscles. I look like a beached whale when trying to get off the couch. And now, she wants me to sit up, while she is holding my hands?! Well, there was some grunting and some yelling (with the pushing I was doing to get myself upright, the tape started to come loose on my rump roast. She reminded me that if it came out, it has to go back in. I opted to just lay back and try to rise up on my own.) Again, I am thinking, "Deron would love this, I should have brought him along."
I finally get seated in an upright position, and we waited another turn of the century (or 5 minutes according to Karen), and then she tells me we are going to check for leaks. I, being a girl, never thought I would have to "turn and cough" at the doctor. Guess what I did yesterday :) She says, give me a big cough. I do. Then I am asked to bear down like I am having a baby or a bowel movement. What is with these people? Do they want me to leak urine, or take a dump on their floor?
Karen, bless her heart, tells me the next step is to stand. She lowered the hoist before assisting me out of the stir-ups and into a standing position. Oh fantastic, in a standing postition, all of the pressure is on my bladder. YAY, I just passed the test! I leaked. Test is over right? Nope, not yet. Another objective of this test is to see how much liquid my bladder can hold. Well, by this point, it's full. I am trying to cross my legs and hold it in. This proves to be quite difficult with all the danglage down below. I try telling Karen that it's time, I'm going to explode. She squeezes the bag of fluid and says, "There's only a little bit more, let's see what we can get in yet." I passed the test again.
Last chore, sit on the portable commode and empty bladder into funnel. She starts unhooking me from the machines so I can move to that corner. And being the sweet woman she is, closes the little curtain to give me some privacy while I empty by bladder, really, what's the point? Anyways, test is coming to a close and when I finally get emptied out, she removes all the sticky pad and tubes and apparatus that has been attached to me. And she was right, I didn't feel any of the electricity. Huh.
Well, I guess I will compare this experience to child birth. It is awful when it is happening; but afterwards, well shit, that comparison isn't going to work. There is no way in hell that I am going to EVER do this again. I will wear adult diapers at 30 years old first! But on the bright side, I got a free wax job. And the pain that she said I would have "the first few times you urinate", yeah, still here, FYI Karen, it's tomorrow, and it still hurts.
No comments:
Post a Comment